Attachment Theory: How it applies to couples

Attachment is a buzz word right now. But, how does it actually apply to couples?

From our early relationships with caregivers and family, we learned a certain way of creating safety for ourselves in our relationships.  Some of us learned that closeness was safety; these folks tend to want more contact with their partner, more time together, and usually want to talk out an issue immediately. And, if they can’t, they may become critical, angry, or upset.

Some of us learned that independence was safety; and these types tend to want their own space, may desire more individual time separate from the relationship, and may become distant or retreat when conflict arises. If they can’t retreat, they may become dismissive or minimize their partner’s feelings, or they fight back with defensiveness.

This learned way of relating and creating safety in relationships is your attachment style.  Unfortunately, we tend to find partners with our opposite attachment safety mechanisms, and then we get on each other’s nerves! Anxious/avoidant dynamics make up 95% of couples who come to therapy, but there is hope. Together, you can work towards a secure relationship and attachment if you’re willing to put in the effort!

The type of couple’s therapy we do is based in 40 years of sociological research.  Couples from all walks of life - different socioeconomic statuses, races, sexual orientations, etc - were interviewed and observed over decades.  The interventions created from that research are focused on healthy communication skills, managing conflict, and building a culture of appreciation and fondness between you that will increase your emotional (and probably physical!) intimacy.

Let us help you learn how to understand each other so that you can communicate effectively without devolving into a negative cycle.  We’ll work on understanding each other’s perspectives to build a strong foundation for your life together.

Reach out for a free consultation!